George Spicka’s Story, by George Spicka

What you don’t know is that I became addicted to marijuana in my early 20s and suffered a psychotic breakdown shortly after my 25th birthday.  Ever since then, I’ve struggled with mental illness, especially depression with frequent thoughts of suicide.  I’ve survived these decades by determination, a loving wife, years of therapy, and maximum doses daily of two antidepressants.

I had a fiery sphere in my head and couldn’t bear to look at brightly colored paintings or psychedelic album covers, because it felt like they were reaching out. I was so agitated that I was lucky to get four hours of sleep at night. In public, I controlled all of this by force of will and extreme concentration, which rendered me practically catatonic and left me in a state of constant exhaustion.

What saved me?  The only good that came out of this was six months after the first breakdown, I became obsessed with jazz.  The focus diverted my attention away from the agony in my mind.  And that is why I am here.  Every gig, especially when I perform original work, was a victory.

I hung on through this period by telling myself over and over, “Things will get better.” I also had a tolerant, supportive wife, Jane Lamar-Spicka (1947-2005).  It took ten years, but the initial distress gradually ebbed, particularly the agitation and paranoia.

For decades now, I have struggled with mental illness, depression, paranoia, and daily thoughts of suicide. With therapy, I have slowly improved over time, but the big breakthrough occurred when I started on two antidepressants in the late 1990s, one at full dosage and the other even higher than recommended dosage.  Even so, it’s a daily struggle, but at least I’m free of the enveloping darkness.

I have a Marijuana Links page with research divided into categories such as:  Children, Accidents, Mental Health, Environmental Impact, etc.  (https://georgespicka.weebly.com/marijuana-links.html)